life

why i’ve been so quiet

11226194_10102642772719159_2954322482716461502_n

 

When I started this blog, I started it with the word courage in mind.  At the time, I was thinking about the courage it takes to do BIG things as an athlete.  The courage to do things that are out of your comfort zone, like an Ironman.

Little did I know that I would need this courage in my life outside of triathlon.  Life is Hard. Now I get it.

I’ve been wanting to write for a while, but I just wasn’t ready.  I wanted the time to be right where I could write again, where I could write about why I’ve been so quiet. There were days where I started this post and then stopped after a few minutes… I have been thinking about if I would write a post about this… when I would write a post about this… but today I feel ready.

I could talk about Kona and recap the race and the experience, but that will come later.  Life comes first.

So here goes nothing….

In a matter of two months, in the following order:

  • I raced one Ironman – IMMT

  • I achieved the ultimate dream when I qualified for Kona

  • I Filed for divorce 

  • I put our house on the market

  • I trained for my second IM in 8 weeks

  • I raced and finished Kona

  • I started a new job.

Yes, you read right. I am getting a divorce.

and this is why I have been quiet.

It was August 18th, my D date, just two weeks after our third wedding anniversary. This was the day I had the hardest conversation of my entire life.

I had just raced Ironman Mont-Tremblant. Muscle soreness in my quads was still present.  I was still on a giant high after achieving the ultimate dream of qualifying for Kona, yet I couldn’t be happy and celebrate.  This was happening. Divorce was happening. Everything else seemed irrelevant. And then there I was… alone in my quiet living room, wedding photos on the walls… Feeling more alone than I had ever felt before.

And since now I’m over feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it, I’m going to talk about it.  Mostly because I know I am not the only one going through this and there are most likely other women (and men) who can connect to my story.  Also, I want to talk about it since it helps with the healing process.

I’ll be the first to tell you- no matter what the circumstance, no matter who initiated it, divorce plain sucks. It really fucking sucks.

Throughout the past few years, I have done a lot of growing and changing.  I have evolved into a strong confident woman.. I have found a sport that I love, a lifestyle that has become part of who I am.  Through this process of “growing up” I realized that I was not happy in my marriage, and I was never going to be fully happy. And when you aren’t happy, you try and convince yourself that everything will be OK, just “give it time…” I kept feelings to myself, lead everyone in my life to believe things were just “perfect.”  I had a great man who treated me very well, who supported me and my triathlon lifestyle. We bought our cute little house in the suburbs. I had the beautiful wedding of my dreams in my parents backyard. We got a dog that we both loved very much. I did everything that I was “supposed” to do by the age of 31.  But there was one thing missing, one very important thing, I was not happy and I knew in order to be happy, I had to leave.

The hardest part about my divorce is, it’s hard to explain. Over the years we just grew apart from  one another.. . I changed..  lots of stuff changed….  I made the choice that I was going to walk away and have the courage to do just that. It would have been so easy to stay….maybe have a child, maybe not… continue to have an OK marriage.  But I realized I am stronger than that, I deserve to live the life that I want to live. EVERYONE does. Life is not about settling, it’s about making the best of the time you have on this planet.

And while all of this has been happening, something VERY good has come from it.  I have met a man who lights up my life.  I have never, ever been this happy. The kind of love where you feel electricity when the other person is nearby.  This man and I connect on levels I never thought were possible with another human being. I have never laughed this much, smiled this much. So this is what it feels like?! When you know, you know. 

I have been private for a while about all of this, in respect of my ex and also to give myself time.  I was afraid of what people would think of me, scared of the criticism I would get. But I am at the point where I just don’t care.  If you support me, fantastic, if you don’t, well I don’t need you in my life.  I compare divorce to dealing with death… there is a mourning period, a time to grieve, a time to move on.. people say the same things to you as when a loved one passes, because they don’t know what else to say besides: “I’m sorry.”  Some people avoid you all together because they don’t know what to say. It is in times like this, you find out who matters and who does not.  If you really want to grow up fast, I suggest divorce, it works wonders.

Thank you to the people who love and support me. Thank you all for understanding the much needed break from blogging I needed to take. Now you understand.  I hope I can help others realize that no one is making you stay in something you don’t want, but YOU.

XO,

Kristin

Previous Post Next Post

You Might Also Like

172 Comments

  • Reply Nicole November 6, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Thanks for being so honest and open! I’m sorry to hear about your divorce but glad that it sounds like you are handling it all well and have met someone who you have such a strong connection with.

  • Reply Kecia November 6, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    I’ve been in your shoes and it beyond sucks! It forces you to grow up much faster than you ever thought possible, but it also gives you freedom and hope. Freedom to feel how you do, freedom to share those feeling and freedom to be who you truly are. It also gives you hope for a future you want and deserve. While this is a hard time, I am proud of you and your courage! Speaking from experience, you will be so much stronger and even more confident because of this obstacle! I’m so happy you found someone who lights that spark in your heart and gives you the warm fuzzies 🙂 If you ever want to chat more in person, please let me know…every situation is different, but they all follow the same grieving process. xoxo

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 6:14 pm

      Wow , we will have to connect. It’s amazing how many women have ‘been there’ before… and this is why I wanted to write this post. Divorce is horrible, but I know I will be stronger after going through this. I might reach out to you to chat more… appreciate the offer!!! And yes, I am so happy to have found someone who lights the spark in my heart.

  • Reply Barbara November 6, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    You are stronger than you realize until you go through something like this. Had a similar situation with my ex and as much as it broke my heart to walk away, it was the right thing for both of us. You will get through this and so glad you have someone to share it with. I understand so completely loving triathlon so completely and the process of growing apart from someone. Thanks for sharing! Keep moving forward!

  • Reply Lee @ Tri*Inspired*Life November 6, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    You have certainly had an extremely emotional year. While I can’t personally relate to what you have gone through with your marriage, I will say that life is too short to not be doing all the things you need to do to make yourself happy. I can only imagine how hard it was to take those steps, but the tough times only make you stronger. In your tri life, I bet there were times that your training was the only thing that made sense to you and probably helped you get through tough days and weeks. I have been curious about your blogging since I (selfishly) wanted to read all the details about your race to qualify and then your big day on the Island, so thanks for opening up and sharing these intimate details. You wrote a classy post and I wish you happy days!

  • Reply Jacqueline November 6, 2015 at 4:08 pm

    Been there, lady.

    You don’t often have to tell Ironman athletes to hang tough–it’s usually in their DNA already–but nonetheless, hang in there. And you’re already seeing that things do get better with time!

  • Reply Kristen L November 6, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    You are a strong woman, and it sounds like things are going so much better now. It takes courage to make the changes you have and even more to talk openly about it. I’m so glad to hear you are happy and moving forward toward a life you truly love.

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 7:34 pm

      Thank you Kristen! It felt good to talk about it:) xo

  • Reply Laura November 6, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    I connect with this more than you can possibly know. I absolutely understand walking away from a marriage that was not bad, but not great. I can relate to meeting someone during the divorce process, and the stigma that can come with. To feel like such a failure in divorce, while being so happy in finding someone new…it is bizarre to say the least. I understand! I’m so sorry for the pain of your divorce, and so happy that you’re moving in the right direction. I can’t wait to see what 2016 brings for you, because you’re right….divorce is the fastest way to grow up.
    One more thing…the future is always better. I filed for divorce in 2008, embarrassed but happy with my new boyfriend. So awkward, especially at the holidays. We just eloped this past spring. Life is wonderful. You are wonderful. 🙂

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      Laura, I got CHILLS reading your comment here. You said it exactly right : “a marriage that was not bad, but not great.” There is a huge stigma with a lot of this stuff… and I”m just trying to ignore it all.. it’s TOUGH. I am so happy to hear you are in love and are now married again:) how exciting about the elopment!! Please send me an email, I’ve love to talk more about this: sweatcourage@gmail.com

  • Reply Elizabeth November 6, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Most people wouldn’t have the courage to do something like this! I admire you and wish you the best 🙂

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      Really appreciate this, Elizabeth:)

  • Reply Phaedra @ Blisters and Black Toenails November 6, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    Wow. I had been wondering why you were so quiet. It sucks that you had to go through this but it sounds like it was the right thing.

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      Yes , this is why. It was hard to write about racing when all of this was going on. Now that I am feeling better about it all, I”ll be writing more often:) Thank you, Phaedra!

  • Reply Cassie @ Rural Running Redhead November 9, 2015 at 3:07 am

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. Good for you for being brave enough to share your feelings with the world.

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      Thank you, Cassie. I am so glad I shared.

  • Reply Leana November 9, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce and everything you are going through. It couldn’t have been an easy decision for you. All the best to you and Oliver and I’m glad to hear that you are in a happy place!

    • Reply Kristin November 12, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      Thank you, Leana! It’s been a TOUGH go for a few months now , but things are getting better! Definitely in a happy place right now:)

  • Reply Mary November 17, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    Hi Kristin,
    I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. When I ran into you at Pumpkinman, you said you were cheering on your boyfriend, I figured you were going through a divorce. I went through a (quick) divorce almost 4 years ago. My husband left me for someone else. I felt my world crashing around me. This was before I got involved with triathlon. I was never an athlete growing up and I wanted something that challenged me physically and mentally. Now I’m proud to say, I’m a triathlete. I know that if I didn’t go through my divorce, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s truly like a death (especially since he NEVER said goodbye). I too have an amazing man in my life that supports and loves me more than anything.
    Healing is like climbing a mountain, you climb, you fall, but you keep going until you reach the summit. Hang in there xoxo

    • Reply Kristin December 4, 2015 at 2:09 am

      Hi Mary,
      Thank you for your comment:) I’m so sorry you had to go through divorce too, but so happy doing triathlons has brought you happiness. The training definitely helps when I’m having a bad day… nothing like a good sweat to make you feel better. I think I will come out of all of this stronger, and I’m glad you were able to find that as well. Happy for you that you have found the love that you deserve:) hope to see you at a race in 2016! and so happy we have connected! xoxo

  • Reply AJ November 26, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    Kristin, I’m very sorry to hear about your divorce, though hopefully it does lead you to a better place moving forward. Good luck with the current relationship — looks like it’s going very well so far!

    • Reply Kristin December 4, 2015 at 2:05 am

      Thank you very much, AJ! Things are going very well and I appreciate your kind words:)

    • Reply Kristin January 12, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      thank you very much! so kind of you:)

  • Reply some reflecting: IMMT and punching my ticket to Kona – Sweat Courage January 14, 2016 at 6:15 pm

    […] wanted to write about all of this sooner.. but I had a lot of ‘life stuff’ going on right after Ironman Mont-Tremblant. I also wanted to write lot more about the race day and […]

  • Reply ErickLet February 25, 2017 at 4:29 am

    wh0cd720304 [url=http://viagraprice2017.com/]viagra for sale[/url]

  • Reply ig February 27, 2017 at 2:41 am

    Excellent post. I was checking continuously this blog and I
    am impressed! Extremely helpful information particularly the last part 🙂 I care for such info a lot.
    I was looking for this particular info for a long time.
    Thank you and good luck.

  • Reply dfdktyu March 1, 2017 at 8:44 pm

    CrDGWy uksdnlvtpnfq, [url=http://ymhkfdjteatf.com/]ymhkfdjteatf[/url], [link=http://ckorqqhyranp.com/]ckorqqhyranp[/link], http://rbtsjsnuhjyl.com/

  • Reply wmljdhcsi March 2, 2017 at 5:42 am

    3zScxF xcudvrzellei, [url=http://dzmhlbelqslh.com/]dzmhlbelqslh[/url], [link=http://fxosugjuwymr.com/]fxosugjuwymr[/link], http://ytwgokbzeihh.com/

  • Reply viagra online March 2, 2017 at 9:21 am

    generic viagra

  • Reply bxtfjtlz March 2, 2017 at 10:24 am

    Q84xQP mkmxjisiiemv, [url=http://zmszeqvdokea.com/]zmszeqvdokea[/url], [link=http://ygfzlkivjwux.com/]ygfzlkivjwux[/link], http://ehuymqrqrenc.com/

  • Reply cheap viagra March 2, 2017 at 10:32 am

    generic viagra generic viagra

  • Reply viagra online March 2, 2017 at 10:47 am

    generic viagra

  • Reply cheap viagra March 2, 2017 at 11:19 am

    viagra online

  • Reply cheap viagra online March 2, 2017 at 11:23 am

    viagra generic viagra

  • Reply viagra for sale March 2, 2017 at 11:25 am

    cheap viagra cheap viagra

  • Reply viagra March 2, 2017 at 11:40 am

    cheap viagra

  • Reply viagra generic online March 2, 2017 at 11:51 am

    cheap viagra online

  • Reply generic viagra March 2, 2017 at 11:56 am

    discount viagra sildenafil

  • Reply viagra March 2, 2017 at 12:15 pm

    buy viagra online cheap viagra

  • Reply cheap generic viagra March 2, 2017 at 12:39 pm

    discount viagra

  • Reply sildenafil March 2, 2017 at 12:56 pm

    cheap viagra cheap viagra

  • Reply viagra March 2, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    viagra viagra

  • Reply cheap viagra March 2, 2017 at 1:15 pm

    discount viagra viagra online

  • Reply buy generic viagra March 2, 2017 at 1:27 pm

    cheap viagra online

  • Reply viagra online March 2, 2017 at 1:36 pm

    discount viagra

  • Reply viagra online March 3, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    cheap viagra viagra online

  • Leave a Reply