When I started this blog, I started it with the word courage in mind. At the time, I was thinking about the courage it takes to do BIG things as an athlete. The courage to do things that are out of your comfort zone, like an Ironman.
Little did I know that I would need this courage in my life outside of triathlon. Life is Hard. Now I get it.
I’ve been wanting to write for a while, but I just wasn’t ready. I wanted the time to be right where I could write again, where I could write about why I’ve been so quiet. There were days where I started this post and then stopped after a few minutes… I have been thinking about if I would write a post about this… when I would write a post about this… but today I feel ready.
I could talk about Kona and recap the race and the experience, but that will come later. Life comes first.
So here goes nothing….
In a matter of two months, in the following order:
I raced one Ironman – IMMT
I achieved the ultimate dream when I qualified for Kona
I Filed for divorce
I put our house on the market
I trained for my second IM in 8 weeks
I raced and finished Kona
I started a new job.
Yes, you read right. I am getting a divorce.
and this is why I have been quiet.
It was August 18th, my D date, just two weeks after our third wedding anniversary. This was the day I had the hardest conversation of my entire life.
I had just raced Ironman Mont-Tremblant. Muscle soreness in my quads was still present. I was still on a giant high after achieving the ultimate dream of qualifying for Kona, yet I couldn’t be happy and celebrate. This was happening. Divorce was happening. Everything else seemed irrelevant. And then there I was… alone in my quiet living room, wedding photos on the walls… Feeling more alone than I had ever felt before.
And since now I’m over feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it, I’m going to talk about it. Mostly because I know I am not the only one going through this and there are most likely other women (and men) who can connect to my story. Also, I want to talk about it since it helps with the healing process.
I’ll be the first to tell you- no matter what the circumstance, no matter who initiated it, divorce plain sucks. It really fucking sucks.
Throughout the past few years, I have done a lot of growing and changing. I have evolved into a strong confident woman.. I have found a sport that I love, a lifestyle that has become part of who I am. Through this process of “growing up” I realized that I was not happy in my marriage, and I was never going to be fully happy. And when you aren’t happy, you try and convince yourself that everything will be OK, just “give it time…” I kept feelings to myself, lead everyone in my life to believe things were just “perfect.” I had a great man who treated me very well, who supported me and my triathlon lifestyle. We bought our cute little house in the suburbs. I had the beautiful wedding of my dreams in my parents backyard. We got a dog that we both loved very much. I did everything that I was “supposed” to do by the age of 31. But there was one thing missing, one very important thing, I was not happy and I knew in order to be happy, I had to leave.
The hardest part about my divorce is, it’s hard to explain. Over the years we just grew apart from one another.. . I changed.. lots of stuff changed…. I made the choice that I was going to walk away and have the courage to do just that. It would have been so easy to stay….maybe have a child, maybe not… continue to have an OK marriage. But I realized I am stronger than that, I deserve to live the life that I want to live. EVERYONE does. Life is not about settling, it’s about making the best of the time you have on this planet.
And while all of this has been happening, something VERY good has come from it. I have met a man who lights up my life. I have never, ever been this happy. The kind of love where you feel electricity when the other person is nearby. This man and I connect on levels I never thought were possible with another human being. I have never laughed this much, smiled this much. So this is what it feels like?! When you know, you know.
I have been private for a while about all of this, in respect of my ex and also to give myself time. I was afraid of what people would think of me, scared of the criticism I would get. But I am at the point where I just don’t care. If you support me, fantastic, if you don’t, well I don’t need you in my life. I compare divorce to dealing with death… there is a mourning period, a time to grieve, a time to move on.. people say the same things to you as when a loved one passes, because they don’t know what else to say besides: “I’m sorry.” Some people avoid you all together because they don’t know what to say. It is in times like this, you find out who matters and who does not. If you really want to grow up fast, I suggest divorce, it works wonders.
Thank you to the people who love and support me. Thank you all for understanding the much needed break from blogging I needed to take. Now you understand. I hope I can help others realize that no one is making you stay in something you don’t want, but YOU.